The Wisdom of Seeing Exes

Recently my first serious boyfriend--who I haven't seen in 15 years--contacted me to check in. He pops up about every 5 years via email to say hello, and this time he wanted to get together. I was excited and scared at the same time. Would he look the same? Would I be attracted to him and vice versa? Not that it truly mattered as he is now married, but I had to wonder.

Back when we were together, I was gaga over him--he was tall, blond, built. I wondered at the time what in the world he saw in me cause I had not really dated a lot and certainly never thought I would snag someone so good looking. I actually went to my 5-year high school reunion just to flaunt him in front of all the people I hated, and loved every minute of that.

So my curiosity got the best of me and I agreed to meet for a drink last night. Honestly, if I had seen him on the street I would never have recognized him. He had said he looked roughly the same--we joked via email that we both were a little older, had a few more wrinkles, and carried a bit more weight. But he had gained more than a little weight, and was virtually bald though he had said he "kept his hair really short."

The question is, does he truly think he looks the same? Are we all deluding ourselves as we get older that we look virtually the same? Wow, it has been an eye-opening weekend. Should I have just skipped the meeting and kept the fantasy of him alive in my head? Makes me want to pull out all my old photos of him when I thought he looked like a Nordic God and reburn those memories back into my brain.

I Love Telemarketers

I have a secret admirer, named Unavailable. Unavailable calls me at least once a day, from different numbers. Oh they're so sly, trying to trick me and keep me from guessing who they might be. I think about calling them back, but then think, no, if they can't bother to leave a message, I can't bother to call back. Why won't you show yourself to me? Oh, if only caller ID showed who you really were, perhaps I would actually pick up one day. (Moral for charities: Let people know you are calling and perhaps you will get a better response.)

Relaxed After the Weekend

This morning when I went to work, I felt like I'd really had a weekend and refreshed after a long week last week that ended with an interview where I was:

1. Given the wrong address. The right address was all the way across DC. Needless to say, I didn't go.

2. Given the wrong time. Apparently the company didn't have me on the books until next week! Check out the apology flowers, which make me think I should interview after all.

I can't figure out what I did to feel so refreshed, my weekend wasn't much different than any other, but it sure was great to walk into work starting from a good vantage point of not being too stressed out.

Senseless, Sad Part of the Weekend

Saturday night people were looking for a lost dog when I went out to take my dogs for the last time. The girl said she lived nearby and had taken the dog's collar off as she went to enter her building. My question: Why the hell would you do that? The area is so busy, if you don't want a collar on, why not wait until you are in your apartment?

The next day the husband was driving around passing out flyers to dog people, very smart. I told him to email it to me as I knew a lot of dog people and I would help get the word out. So I spent the morning doing that when I really didn't have the time, but I knew time was of the essence cause this dog was a puppy and didn't even know her name.

That afternoon I had my writing group, and as I was driving home on the highway, there was a dead something on the side of the road that was black and tan--the dog was black and tan. I couldn't imagine what else it could be, as it couldn't be a raccoon or whatever and I just knew it was the dog. It was gruesome and so very awful. Now that picture is in my head...

I didn't know what to do, but felt I had to call the husband, so I told him what I saw and where. I told him I wasn't sure, but that he should go look and if he needed help to call the police rather than getting out of the car. Why did it have to be me who found the dead dog? What a terrible coincidence.

I wanted to know the outcome but I didn't ask him to let me know cause I felt kind of weird and morbid about it, but he did email me later that night that it was his indeed dog. So sad and negligent. I am just crushed as this was completely the owner's fault. I know dogs get away from people and that has happened to everyone, but to intentionally take off a collar for no reason when you live right off the highway? I just don't know how people are so stupid with their pets.

The Good Part of the Weekend

I've clearly been stressed, so this weekend I planned some fun things. Friday night I had a much-needed massage, which was delightful. Saturday I went to see my former neighbor who had moved to a single family house with a yard. My dogs came with me. Here's a recap of Saturday's adventures:

1. Two bottles of wine consumed mid-afternoon. How can a day be better than that? And the weather was to die for!

2. Dead animal carcass discovered and removed by my dog. SOOOOO gross!

3. Psycho former owner visit, telling the new owners about "hidden treasure" safe in the floor of laundry room and offering to take us on a tour to the former dog kennels. Adorable neighbors (see below) said she was a drunk.

4. Two adorable gay men next door. So fabulous! With a jack russell female dog named "Jackie O." I think that pretty much says it all.

Les Jeux Sont Faits

So a week and a half ago I decided to try radiation with my dog, as I felt he was getting much worse. Turns out, I was right, as the tumor had grown roughly 30%. Unfortunately, he had a bad reaction to what they give to put him under and his blood pressure was all over the place. They talked about possible kidney damage, but luckily that wasn't the case. I went for the 2nd radiation session this week, but the 1st hadn't done any good and the vet felt that the kind of palliative radiation I wanted to do wouldn't really help, so I decided not to do the 2nd. I am kind of out of options unless I want to do terrible chemo drugs. So I'm doing holistic stuff and that's it. The problem with holistic is it takes time to work, and I don't have time. They are saying 2-3 months at this point. It is just agonizing. My holistic vet is hopeful, but really, what else is she going to say? So time will tell, and I am just trying to spend as much time with my dog as possible and make his final months as good as they can be. Ultimately, I am at peace with my decision, as I feel I have tried everything and nothing is working, but it is so sad and depressing at the same time.

Where Does the Pain Go?

It's been a pretty rough week here again. Three people I know had to put their dogs down for various reasons. And a newly reconnected friend lost his wife this week, and it might have been the day I reached out to friend him on Facebook. A bunch of high school friends have connected recently, and I purposely didn't connect with him at first cause I found him annoying back in the day. But the more I thought about it the worse I felt dissing him, so I sent a friend request. And now I'm glad I did.

On my own dog front, I took my dog for radiation this week, and found out his tumor had grown 30% in three weeks. Not good. I started radiation because I felt he was really getting worse, and I was right. Unfortunately he had a bad reaction to the anesthesia that they used. His blood pressure dropped then spiked and there was a danger that he could have kidney damage. Luckily, that was not the case. But the bottom line here is that before putting him under again we need to assess whether the first dose did enough good to make the risk of anesthesia worth it or not. If not, I'm kind of at the end of the line here, and all that's left are terrible chemo drugs which I won't do, or holistic, which I am already incorporating. It's pretty hard coming to a place where potentially there is not much left to do.

Watching all the loss around me this week makes me realize that my turn is coming soon. I have been there before, and I will get through it, but it's not a good place to be. I always wonder how all of us deal with the loss, sadness, and pain that we are faced with every day. It's so hard to soldier on sometimes like nothing is wrong, but that is what is expected, and we have to find a way to live our lives in the face of so much adversity.

Good for Everyone Else (Or, Feeling Sorry for Myself)

So tonight my best friend texts me out of the blue that she bought an Audi. WTF? I didn't even know she was in the market for a car, and furthermore, how can she afford an Audi? (Though admittedly she has a thing for expensive cars and once had a Beemer, so I guess I shouldn't be that surprised.) Me, I drive a 15-year-old Honda Civic that I can't seem to give up, nor can I afford to.

Fast forward to walking my dogs and running into my neighbor H., whom various people have been gunning for me to get together with, just by virtue of the fact that we are both attractive, approximately the same age, and single. However, H. and I have been at many social functions together, and while he pays attention to me and is very friendly, he has never once asked for my number or for a date or anything. So I figured he just wasn't into me, and apparently I was correct as I saw him walking arm-in-arm tonight with a petite blond with long hair. I am an average build brunette with shoulder-length hair. I thought to myself, huh, that explains a lot.

Anyway, these great things in life seem to be happening all around me, and I am truly happy for my friend and her new car. But when is it my turn? Instead I have an ancient car, a broken budget, a dying dog, a job I hate, and no prospects for dating. I know I have made the choices that got me where I am, but sometimes I just have to wonder why. And what I am going to do about it.