An Update. And, Running Away.

So here's an update on what's going on here. I am still sofa shopping. I can't buy anything until I get my bonus in 2 weeks. Shocking that I even get one, but hey I'm not going to complain. I have choices narrowed down to 3.

No word from Mr. B. It's been 2 months. I guess he's over it.

I need to get out of my job. My employee told me today she doesn't know how I have lasted 3 years. I saw a vineyard for sale. Any potential partners out there? I am only halfway joking. Alternatively, my neighbors want to buy a bar down the street and asked me to join in last night. It really made me sad when I realized how little money I actually have to invest. I really can't take this much longer . . . stressful job, expensive area, etc. I need to do something different but feel very trapped in my current financial situation. I either need to rob a bank or win the lottery or sell my place to escape. Buying my place was the one smart thing I did in my life--it is my trump card and I am seriously thinking about cashing it in soon.

Things I Love: What Do You Think?

For years I've written a random "column" on this blog: Things I Love, where I talk about how people piss me off. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people of authority ask me what I think, and then I make a decision that they immediately negate. Why bother to fucking ask me in the first place? This happened recently with a volunteer thing that I do. The president of this organization asked me what I thought, I told him and acted on it, and he told me to undo it. There have been a few other things recently with this volunteer situation that have made me question whether it's worth my time and aggravation anymore. So they are on notice . . .

Compliment from the Young

This week I had to go to my endocrinologist, and the receptionist is a young, cute Hispanic girl. I gave her my name and she pulled my very thick chart--been a patient there a long time. She looked at me and said, "I hate to tell you this, but you look a lot younger than you are." I said "Never hate telling someone that!" She said she thought I was 10 years younger and that she had pulled the wrong chart when she saw my birth year. I have had men tell me this before, but I figure they have ulterior motives, like the guy in Trader Joe's recently who carded me, looked at my license, looked at me, and said, "Impressive." But coming from a young girl who had nothing to gain by saying something, now that was a compliment!

Update on the "B" Project

So B and I continued to dance the dance of commitment phobics until just a couple of weeks ago. We had talked about maybe getting together for New Year's Eve and I actually invited him up here (he is 3 hours south) to a party. He had made plans already and tried to get out of them, but no go. So I then invited him to another party up here that I knew he would enjoy because of some of his hobbies. Again no go, with a nice explanation of why and an update on his great Christmas. And no mention of getting together, no reciprocal invitation to see him, no "hey let's try for something in February." No nothing. Again.

For me, that was it. I'm tired of hitting my head against his very thick wall. Tired of one way invitations. So he can kiss my ass. I sent him a nice but snarky message back, though he probably didn't realize it. I said "Happy New Year. I hope 2014 is everything that you want it to be." In other words, go fuck yourself. Don't think I will hear from him. It's his loss.

Sofa Shopping: Size Does Matter

I am in the market for a new sofa for the first time in about 10 years. I absolutely love my current sofas, but after much abuse from my crazy dogs, it's time for new furniture. I've spent the past couple of weekends looking at sofas and have discovered that most sofas are 8 inches shorter and 5 inches less deep than the one that I currently own. I love to nap on my sofa, so the depth is important, so I don't feel like I'm going to roll off.

With America's excessive lifestyle and obsession with "bigger is better," what is going on with furniture? We build bigger cars/SUVs and McMansions, supersize our food, and have more obese people than ever before. Why is furniture shrinking? How are obese people going to find a couch that will fit their asses? Why are we building huge 60" televisions but have no (affordable) sofa big enough to get comfortable when we watch? It is a complete mystery to me and I'm very disappointed that I have to shell out all this money for something that I am not going to be happy with. I will keep looking in the hopes that I come across what I want in my price range, but it's very discouraging.

Happy 2014

I'm pretty happy to see the end of 2013 and the holidays. I am trying to make some big changes in 2014, including a new job and possible new freelance work. So we'll see where this all goes.

On an interesting note, I had a visit in my dream last night from my dog Opie, whom I lost in June. He's been on my mind a lot, I really miss him. In my dream he was licking my face, like he used to do on a daily basis to wake me up. It was a good dream and maybe this will be the start of some healing from his loss.

I Cannot Be Smote

This is a line that Jessa says in the HBO series 'Girls.' She basically sleeps with an ex who has just gotten engaged to prove that she cannot be smote. In other words, he hasn't gotten over her and can't forget about her.

On Thanksgiving I got a text from an ex that I dated a year ago and very briefly. The breakup involved me finding out about a lie he told me. I don't put up with liars. However, I really liked him and we have stayed in touch a bit here and there--for example he was on my mass email about my dog dying this summer. That was probably our last contact.

This week I got my first Christmas cards. There is a very organized couple that I am friends with that always sends their cards first. However, they were tied this year with another ex from about a year ago (right after ex above). I haven't seen or spoken to him in months either, and when I've seen him I've been very cool yet civil. Cause he was also a big liar. Why did he even still have my address? I don't even have his phone number or email anymore and I never had his address.

Anyway, I'm just thinking WTF with these guys? And I came to the conclusion that I just cannot be smote.

Happy Thanksgiving

It's hard to believe it's already November and the holidays are here. And the year is almost over, for which I am thankful. I hope everyone has a great day today. I'm just hoping for as little drama as possible, and lots of leftovers.

The "B" Project

So somehow I haven't written in over a month. I think because most of the month I spent on The "B" Project. After meeting this great guy I'll call "B" at the beach, we started emailing, and found out he was coming up to this area October 21 and wanted to see me and stay with me. I basically spent the entire month preparing and cleaning every closet and pile of clutter (there were many) in my house.

So "B" came up last week and we had the most wonderful visit. He liked my place--making The "B" Project worth it--and I took the day off work to spend with him. It was very fun and at the end we both seemed sad that he had to go back, but we didn't nail down details for the next visit. We have texted and emailed a bit, but it's pretty clear that once he goes back, he's involved in his life and doesn't really want to be in touch that much. So, according to one of my favorite movies, "he's just not that into me." Or he would be calling, emailing, texting, staying in touch. He mentioned maybe doing something NY Eve, but I am not holding my breath.

I'm disappointed to say the least. I thought the visit would solidify our budding relationship and make him want to be in touch and truly start something. But I guess not. The story of my life. So The "B" Project goes into the pile of wonderful yet unfulfilled memories of something that could have been great if only he'd given it half a chance.

Beach Birthday--All That And More

Last week I was at the beach, after months of anticipation and dying to get away and forget about all the stress of the past year. So was the trip as good as it was cracked up to be? You bet, all that and more, despite my friend driving me crazy the whole time. She was having a feud with another girl in the house and kept trying to suck me in, but I wouldn't get drawn into the drama. I created my own fun, bonded with the other people in the house, laughed, joked around, drank too much, and ate too much. The weather was gorgeous and sunny every day, and I spent nearly all my time on the beach working on my tan, or floating around the pool, or in the Jacuzzi. It was awesome. Amazing.

Made even more amazing by a beautiful man who joined us unexpectedly in the middle of the week, and coincidentally the night before my birthday. He and I hit it off immediately, and he was the best birthday present I could have hoped for. Tall (6'5"!), dark, handsome, AND age appropriate. Smart, funny, passionate. We had many weird similar interests like bats and playing drums. Boy was I, and am I, smitten. Problem is, he lives in Norfolk, and while we exchanged contact info and he friended me on FB and we have emailed and texted a bit, I haven't heard from him since Saturday. I plan to give him through the weekend, then get in touch next week if I don't hear anything. I would like to see where this could go, and the worst he can say is it was just a summer fling and he's not interested in anything more, which is kind of what I'm thinking at this point anyway. It would be a damn shame, but I need to put it out there and see what he says.

I forgot how good it was to be away for a week, and to come home feeling rested and less stressed. I am still able to look back on the fabulous week when I am feeling stressed at work. I am sure it will fade with time, but the memories that I have of this week will last forever. Check out the view above from the eagles' nest/rooftop deck, where I watched the sunset and the stars each night.

Beach Bash for Birthday

I haven't had a proper vacation in way too long to count, so this year when friends approached me to go to Corolla with them for a beach week, I didn't hesitate. We are leaving in just a few short days. Coincidentally and happily I will be away for my birthday, which is getting way too close to a number I cannot even fathom. So I'm expecting lots of presents! Just kidding. What I am expecting is gorgeous weather, sun, sand, good food and drink, and plenty of fun with friends. I can't wait to get away, and I keep threatening to not come back. Check out this gorgeous house. I am counting down the days until I can be there!

Half My Age Plus Seven

This is sort of a shout-out to LRJ, whose blog I read on a pretty regular basis. I enjoy the fact that while we lead very different lives and don't know each other at all, we sometimes face and write about similar themes that demonstrate that we are all not so different after all.

Case in point, one of LRJ's theories about dating has been that he can date someone half his age plus seven. When I first read that I thought it was ridiculous, I would never date someone that young. Well . . . guess who's ridiculous now? I just can't believe it. I met this guy back around Memorial Day through a mutual friend. I had no idea he was so young. I wasn't interested at first, but he pursued me so we kind of hung out but then all this drama ensued. Like LOTS of drama. Epic amounts. He didn't want to date, I backed off, ignored him, he kept coming back and more drama. I wouldn't put up with his crap. Yet somehow, through all the drama, we started connected on a real level, and I felt like I somehow really understood him. Then he decided he was interested.

So we decided this week that we are dating, despite the age difference. The big problem is he wants kids and I don't. And now I'm really too old to consider this. So one part of me thinks why bother, cause I have been here before and broken up with a few people over this issue. But the other part of me really likes him and wants to see how the whole thing plays out. Needless to say, it's gonna be an interesting summer...

RIP Opie

I decided to put my 12-year-old dog Opie down this weekend. He's been sick with a tumor in his chest since January, and I tried everything to get him better: surgery, radiation, etc. I had to go to San Diego this past week for business, and he took a turn for the worse while I was away. His breathing was becoming very compromised, which wasn't fair and was so hard to watch. I worried he would have a crisis and suffer. I had decided I would have one last fun weekend with him and put him down Monday, but was concerned that I was being selfish and cruel by trying to get through the weekend. I even tried breathing as fast as he was to see what it was like, and it was pretty awful.

Friday, I went home early from work and we had fun--went to visit some people he really loves, had visitors at the house, and played with the neighbor's dog, which he loved. We were out playing till after dark. The next morning, however, he was up at 5:30 am just standing in the middle of my room. He was having a harder time lying down and getting comfortable due to the tumor pressing against organs. So he didn't seem to be able to lie down, and he seemed like he didn't know what to do.

I took him out, and he did have to go to the bathroom, but after that his rear legs started spasming, which had happened once before. I put him in the car and we went down to the dog park, and he was happy enough. I decided to just go home, but on the way he had another weird episode and almost threw up in the car, which is not normal. So I decided to go to the vet and at least see what they thought about his breathing.

The doctor was very nice and sympathetic and had something like that happen to his dog. He was worried that if I didn't put him down, and waited until Monday as I had originally planned, I would regret it. He gave me time to think and I decided I wouldn't have gone there if I didn't think it was the right thing to do. Also, if I had to wonder if I was being cruel, the chances were pretty good that I was.

Long story short, I decided to go ahead with it. There was one bad moment when the sedation started taking effect and he started to panic, but I pulled him into my lap and he relaxed. I got to hold him the whole time and it was very peaceful. I actually felt relief when his erratic breathing ceased, it was so hard to watch and it had to have been so hard on him.

Putting the pet that you love down totally sucks and is such a hard decision, but it is a blessing to be able to end the suffering and let them die peacefully. I only wish people didn't have to suffer so much until the very end.

RIP my little Opie dog, you were the most smart, intense, engaging, obstinate, willful, and funny dog. You had a personality that was larger than life, and your presence will be felt for a long time. I will miss you and never forget you, and my other dog is despondent at your absence.

A Week of Carnage

I have had some bad weeks before, but this one has to take the cake. Bloody bodies strewn everywhere. Here's a snapshot:

1. Went out with a friend of an ex, stupid idea I know. Though he said he had cleared it with the ex and he was cool with it, the guy wound up having a complete meltdown and freaking out and confessing everything to the ex. Carnage there was mine: thrown under the bus.

2. Guy friend who wants to be more than friends invited me to a BBQ last weekend but cancelled due unforeseen circumstances. He had a bad day on Thursday and took it out on me with a passive aggressive text rant about how I wouldn't make time for him when I legitimately have no time this weekend, though I did invite him over Sunday for a BBQ and somehow he missed it, and hello, you're the one who didn't come through last weekend. I don't owe you any of my time just cause you want it. Grow the fuck up. Guess what? We are done before we started now. Carnage: his and quite frankly his own stupid fault.

3. I let an employee go at work that I thought wasn't performing up to where she needed to be. She was still on probation and only 2 months in, but I had been frustrated with her and tried to counsel her, but she didn't have a clue that she was in trouble. This was part of the problem, just clueless. She took it really hard, said she was devastated, financially it's gonna be hard, she really loved the job, etc. etc. It was just brutal. Made me really regret my decision but she'd been driving me crazy for 2 months and I just didn't feel it was working out. Carnage on both ends.

So while I might not be Helen of Troy, I think I came as close as I ever will this week.

The Wisdom of Seeing Exes

Recently my first serious boyfriend--who I haven't seen in 15 years--contacted me to check in. He pops up about every 5 years via email to say hello, and this time he wanted to get together. I was excited and scared at the same time. Would he look the same? Would I be attracted to him and vice versa? Not that it truly mattered as he is now married, but I had to wonder.

Back when we were together, I was gaga over him--he was tall, blond, built. I wondered at the time what in the world he saw in me cause I had not really dated a lot and certainly never thought I would snag someone so good looking. I actually went to my 5-year high school reunion just to flaunt him in front of all the people I hated, and loved every minute of that.

So my curiosity got the best of me and I agreed to meet for a drink last night. Honestly, if I had seen him on the street I would never have recognized him. He had said he looked roughly the same--we joked via email that we both were a little older, had a few more wrinkles, and carried a bit more weight. But he had gained more than a little weight, and was virtually bald though he had said he "kept his hair really short."

The question is, does he truly think he looks the same? Are we all deluding ourselves as we get older that we look virtually the same? Wow, it has been an eye-opening weekend. Should I have just skipped the meeting and kept the fantasy of him alive in my head? Makes me want to pull out all my old photos of him when I thought he looked like a Nordic God and reburn those memories back into my brain.

I Love Telemarketers

I have a secret admirer, named Unavailable. Unavailable calls me at least once a day, from different numbers. Oh they're so sly, trying to trick me and keep me from guessing who they might be. I think about calling them back, but then think, no, if they can't bother to leave a message, I can't bother to call back. Why won't you show yourself to me? Oh, if only caller ID showed who you really were, perhaps I would actually pick up one day. (Moral for charities: Let people know you are calling and perhaps you will get a better response.)

Relaxed After the Weekend

This morning when I went to work, I felt like I'd really had a weekend and refreshed after a long week last week that ended with an interview where I was:

1. Given the wrong address. The right address was all the way across DC. Needless to say, I didn't go.

2. Given the wrong time. Apparently the company didn't have me on the books until next week! Check out the apology flowers, which make me think I should interview after all.

I can't figure out what I did to feel so refreshed, my weekend wasn't much different than any other, but it sure was great to walk into work starting from a good vantage point of not being too stressed out.

Senseless, Sad Part of the Weekend

Saturday night people were looking for a lost dog when I went out to take my dogs for the last time. The girl said she lived nearby and had taken the dog's collar off as she went to enter her building. My question: Why the hell would you do that? The area is so busy, if you don't want a collar on, why not wait until you are in your apartment?

The next day the husband was driving around passing out flyers to dog people, very smart. I told him to email it to me as I knew a lot of dog people and I would help get the word out. So I spent the morning doing that when I really didn't have the time, but I knew time was of the essence cause this dog was a puppy and didn't even know her name.

That afternoon I had my writing group, and as I was driving home on the highway, there was a dead something on the side of the road that was black and tan--the dog was black and tan. I couldn't imagine what else it could be, as it couldn't be a raccoon or whatever and I just knew it was the dog. It was gruesome and so very awful. Now that picture is in my head...

I didn't know what to do, but felt I had to call the husband, so I told him what I saw and where. I told him I wasn't sure, but that he should go look and if he needed help to call the police rather than getting out of the car. Why did it have to be me who found the dead dog? What a terrible coincidence.

I wanted to know the outcome but I didn't ask him to let me know cause I felt kind of weird and morbid about it, but he did email me later that night that it was his indeed dog. So sad and negligent. I am just crushed as this was completely the owner's fault. I know dogs get away from people and that has happened to everyone, but to intentionally take off a collar for no reason when you live right off the highway? I just don't know how people are so stupid with their pets.

The Good Part of the Weekend

I've clearly been stressed, so this weekend I planned some fun things. Friday night I had a much-needed massage, which was delightful. Saturday I went to see my former neighbor who had moved to a single family house with a yard. My dogs came with me. Here's a recap of Saturday's adventures:

1. Two bottles of wine consumed mid-afternoon. How can a day be better than that? And the weather was to die for!

2. Dead animal carcass discovered and removed by my dog. SOOOOO gross!

3. Psycho former owner visit, telling the new owners about "hidden treasure" safe in the floor of laundry room and offering to take us on a tour to the former dog kennels. Adorable neighbors (see below) said she was a drunk.

4. Two adorable gay men next door. So fabulous! With a jack russell female dog named "Jackie O." I think that pretty much says it all.

Les Jeux Sont Faits

So a week and a half ago I decided to try radiation with my dog, as I felt he was getting much worse. Turns out, I was right, as the tumor had grown roughly 30%. Unfortunately, he had a bad reaction to what they give to put him under and his blood pressure was all over the place. They talked about possible kidney damage, but luckily that wasn't the case. I went for the 2nd radiation session this week, but the 1st hadn't done any good and the vet felt that the kind of palliative radiation I wanted to do wouldn't really help, so I decided not to do the 2nd. I am kind of out of options unless I want to do terrible chemo drugs. So I'm doing holistic stuff and that's it. The problem with holistic is it takes time to work, and I don't have time. They are saying 2-3 months at this point. It is just agonizing. My holistic vet is hopeful, but really, what else is she going to say? So time will tell, and I am just trying to spend as much time with my dog as possible and make his final months as good as they can be. Ultimately, I am at peace with my decision, as I feel I have tried everything and nothing is working, but it is so sad and depressing at the same time.